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The Oscar Nominees 2015: Why They Suck

The Academy Awards is my favorite time of year. This is Christmas to movie fanatics. I saw every movie I’m going to mention in this article, and I enjoyed them all. This was a fantastic year for both film and television. May well be the best of the decade.

An Oscar is the greatest honor in the film industry. It’s given out to worthy artists for their accomplishments in providing high-quality entertainment and escapism. Not just about the entertainment value, the films consistently picked throughout the years of this great and respected awards ceremony have made a profound impact on those that watched it. Whether people had never seen anything like it before, whether they were moved by its importance on a humanizing and educational level while still be enthralling, whether they were transported into a world that seemed so real, it had to be, the nominees and the winners of the Academy Awards have had an enormous impact on cinematic history’s past, present, and future to audiences around the world.

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With that being said, what the fuck? The Oscar Nominations this year are bullshit. They’re really trying my patience now. I forgave you when Crash beat Brokeback Mountain. When Sandra Bullock beat Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep for Best Actress, I moved on a stronger person. When I learned that Rocky beat Network and Dances With Wolves beat Goodfellas, I still kept my faith. But this year, you’ve really done it. And before the ceremony no less!

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The Snub of Selma

If you don’t think that Selma is the best picture of the year, then you haven’t seen it. My goodness Jah is it incredible. No film about the Civil Rights Movement has ever so poignantly depicted the time. It was an incredible accomplishment for three reasons:

1. They made the subject matter seem completely fresh despite 12 Years a Slave winning last year.

2. Martin Luther King Jr., one of the greatest human beings in world history, was       humanized in a way I had never seen before in the many depictions of this icon. This   was due in equal parts to the writing, directing, and the performance by David Oyelowo.

3. For two hours, I didn’t hate Oprah.

The Academy snuffed them out of the awards like an 1800’s candle. They have two nominations total. One for Best Picture, and the other for Best Original Song. You shitting me? Not even a Best Actor nomination? Are you telling me Bradley Cooper’s performance in American Sniper was better than David Oyelowo’s in Selma? The other’s are fine, but get Cooper the fuck out of here and get Oyelowo his due credit. American Sniper being as good as it was had little to do with Cooper’s performance, I’m not sorry to say.

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Everything Is Not Awesome

The Lego Movie didn’t get nominated for Best Animated Feature. Alright, I admit it, I didn’t see any of the other nominees, but Lego Movie appealed to both adults and children. It was a crossover hit with near unanimously good reviews, and it was the fourth highest grossing film of 2014. Song of the Sea isn’t even out yet, and The Tale of the Princess Kaguya is only in there because Yoashiaki swung his big-ass hand-drawn dick around. It’s probably a gorgeous piece of cinematic art, but it looks boring as shit. I will never see it. And was Big Hero 6 not a Wall-E spinoff starring the female robot??

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Birdman has 9 nominations. They were in no way snubbed at the Academy Awards, and just saying so would be tantamount to spitting on the cast and crew of Selma. But how the fuck are they not nominated for Best Editing? That may well be the best editing of any movie I have ever seen, not just in 2014. They made the movie look like one continuous shot! For an hour and a fucking half! That’s an accomplishment that beyond a doubt earns you a Best Editing statue, much less a fucking nomination. This was the most outrageous injustice this year, bar none. Boyhood, Grand Budapest, and Whiplash had great editing. The Imitation Game and American Sniper? Best Editing over Birdman? You’re shitting me, right? If Birdman doesn’t get either Sound Mixing or Sound Editing I’m going to pop a blood vessel.

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My Patience is Gone Girl

I have a theory that the Academy sends out a letter to all their members reminding them to fuck Ben Affleck and any movie he’s connected to in the ass with kitchen scissors. Argo won Best Picture, and he wasn’t nominated for Best Director. The Town was nowhere to be found the year it came out. And now Gone Girl is being double snubbed. It should absolutely have been selected as a nominee for Best Picture this year, because it was easily one of the best pictures, and arguably THE best. The real outrageous stab to Gone Girl’s rectum with kitchen scissors is the fact that it wasn’t even nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. That’s so outrageously unacceptable. It’s not even like I can select a movie that was nominated in its stead, because it was the Best Adapted Screenplay of the year. A no-brainer choice. That’s really upsetting to a writer, because if that didn’t merit a Best Adapted nomination, I don’t know what the fuck does.

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THE MAX SPLIFFINGTON 2014 PREDICTION PICS FOR THE TOP 5:

Best Picture: Birdman

Best Actor: Eddie Redmayne

Best Actress: Rosamund Pike

Best Supporting Actor: Edward Norton

Best Supporting Actress: Meryl Streep

 If I get three out of five right, you have to download my eBook, A True Stoner’s Ultimate Guide on Spending Time with Marijuana. On that note, all of the movies are worth watching high. Not all of the movies in 2014, all of the movies period.

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